The Journals

The lost journals were verbalized into mp3's on my PC over a period of almost a year. They contained dialogue to be put into book form, either a fictional book with religious themes, or a possible book about thought processes of leaving the LDS Church and comparisons between atheist and Mormon lifestyle. There were also a few software ideas interspersed throughout. Many of these ideas I was logging for the sake of future reference and to lighten my mind from their weight. They were also about undergoing a recovery process after the consequences of my methods of questioning.

Around December of 2011 they were lost, stolen, and/or deleted. Some of the contents were dear to me albeit in a somewhat twisted way. When I remember them, I feel like I get myself back.

I wrote them in such a way so that I would be the only one who could understand them (something explained part of the way through). They were encoded using strange rhetoric, which was part of their charm if I do say so myself. The confusing rhetoric was itself mimicking the confusion of attempting to understand proper LDS faith. (The constant thread of satire that exists throughout.)

Atheist and Religious Themes

The mantra of the journals was like the approach I took in leaving, "Ask Everything!"  Pose every perspective and dynamic of belief possible. 'Superman' the LDS Church. This approach of the journals was a reflection of my journey to atheism, which derived from explaining the gospel in secular contexts in order to convert others. Part of doing this was in analyzing skepticism as harshly as possible, and trying to do my best to make the truth fail according to common skepticism as I saw it at the time.

The atheist perspectives that the journals put forth were unique in that they were exploring the Mormon notion that God has some relevance to personal revelation and decision making. The fundamental question that the journals were asking was: Where is this supposed God inside of me? How do I know it's God?

After years in the Church, I became increasingly perplexed by this question of spirituality's source. Spiritual guidance is said to be one of the most fundamental values related to a believer's 'testimony'. It is supposedly the primary mode of conversion to Mormonism. It is how Mormons know the truth of the scriptures and 'all things', testing the word of God against a deep intuition.

So the religious theme of the journals was an examination of the independent, subjective experiment of the 'burning in the bosom' and all relationships to seeking truth.

Not many atheists have written an entire book exhaustively taking the religious approach to prove it wrong. It is much too frustrating a process to do after one has changed their mind about the truth of Mormonism. (This is a problem of trying to reproduce or re-write the whole thing: it is painfully stupid to me now.)

Therefore the journals are a unique take on the Mormon position, from the perspective of an earnestly truth-seeking questioner who will not read 'anti-Mormon literature'. It is its lack of scientific approach that makes it of special value to others. As much of its contents were a reflection of my journey, it has value to me personally.

This is why I have entitled the journals: "Prelude to Atheism."

In hindsight, its positive qualities lay in its exhaustive coverage of belief perspectives. It was an intriguing, humorously gnarly, and entertaining, sometimes dark, comedy of errors - an epistemological tragedy in the wasted efforts to prove the Church true.